These days, any half-decent footballer will eventually become an ‘author’. But I trawled the backwaters of Amazon.co.uk to find some examples that might surprise you.

Tim Cahill – Pecked to Death by Ducks

‘Tim Cahill lives the life of adventure we all wanted when we were kids’, Village Voice declare on the front cover of this nature classic. From Sydney to Millwall – yes, I see their point.

Joe Allen – Retirement: A No Fluff, Step-by-Step Guide To A Life Of Financial and Emotional Freedom

A bit premature for this, isn’t it Joe? Maybe he wrote this before the Euros.

Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage – Rob Green

He does like a long club stint but a safe pair of hands?

Mini Farming: Mini Farming For Beginners – Anders Svensson

‘DIY Guide to Build a Self-sustainable Backyard’ – oh that’s what he was doing at Southampton. It all makes sense now.

The Suggestion Book – edited by Duncan Ferguson

I’d hate to think what’s in there and I’m not even a referee.

Personal Statements: How to Write a UCAS Personal Statement – Paul Telfer

That explains why Gordon Strachan kept signing him.

Fight for Success – How to achieve any Goal Big or Small – Chris Sutton

SAS, then 1 in 28 games for Chelsea.

Crate Training: The Complete Dog Training Guide – Learn How to Crate Train Your Puppy In 5 Days Or Less! – Kevin Nolan

He is Big Sam’s best friend, after all.

 

Surprised by Laughter – Stephen Carr

He always did have a good face for it.

Cruel World – Joe Hart

Too easy. Too soon.

Striker! – Steve Bruce

Oh wait, this really is the Steve Bruce.